Pursuit

I’ve no ideas running, huffing and puffing around in my brain that ought to be shared. There. Truth from the start.  You know that while normally I’d begin this post with a witty statement or descriptive scene, I just don’t feel like it. My heart is heavy.

Not too long ago, I came across a poem I wrote a few years ago. (Rarely do I share my poetry as it is usually written in the spur of the moment or during a breeze of emotion.) I find myself in this place too often; a place where I yearn to dwell in God’s presence and know that He loves me, but find myself too unclean to stay, running from the ugliness that is a human being, and one so unworthy.

However, I remind myself that I am constantly being pursued regardless of what I do.

My Pursuer

The horizon blinks and gazes at me,

Challenging all I hear and all I see.

What does it mean to simply ‘be’?

Can one just exist while living and breathing?

 

You are everywhere and nowhere at once.

Your presence and love my only compass.

Yet it is not within my physical vision,

as if hidden too far beyond my reason.

 

Reason- my utmost enemy.

The complexities of faith astound me.

How can something, someone even be,

if that thing I cannot touch or see?

 

Yet you chase me, and I am captured.

Your love, my soul enrapture.

Reveling, marveling in your infinite grace.

Your arms surround me in strong embrace.

 

My unworthiness brings me shame.

I dare not to utter your precious name.

Yet your fingers gently lift my face,

and I stare into that infinite space.

 

My tears of shame are wiped away,

and in your grace you bid me stay.

The sheer blackness of my being,

Keeps me, blocks me from seeing.

 

Seeing again who I am in you.

You, who alone can see me true.

All those things I desire hidden,

you uncover, and forgive unbidden.

 

To know it is me that you so cherish.

My actions warrant not its merit.

No thing I do nor that I so decline,

would cause you to reject or despise.

 

I am your beloved, and my beloved is mine.

This relationship, your greatest design.

Yet darkness tries again to steal,

all I feel of you that is real.

 

Trapped in a thunderous whirlwind

blinded and caught in my deadly sin.

My own soul wretchedly mocks and taunts,

remembers all the shame I once wrought.

 

Still again you earnestly pursue.

There is nothing I could ever do,

that you would turn your lovely face,

away from all of my disgrace.

 

Reaching for my reluctant hand,

once again you make your willful stand.

Constant reminders of your affections,

Purest, seen most in nature’s reflections.

 

The purest love song have you written,

Dare I think with me you are smitten?

Arms open, tears roll down your face,

longing to wrap me in accepting embrace.

 

Finally, I surrender and succomb,

to your perpetual love you beg I come.

Resting as a child in a mother’s enfolding,

Acceptance of your grace no longer withholding.

 

It is now I find my truest evidence

In your perceptible, tangible presence.

It is here forever I must remain.

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

~Tara Dyson

November 16, 2012
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This is How We Became…

She could not believe what she was hearing. The inside of her ears itched like a thousand tiny beetles were burrowing out. Her brain rattled from inside its cage in her head. How in the world could he actually say all of that?  Just as steam was about to flare from her nostrils, she quickly turned and fled the scene of the crime leaving in her wake the shattered pieces of her heart.

No, it’s not a break up scene. It’s not reality tv. It’s just every day life. People say one thing but mean another. People do one thing but with the wrong intentions.  People want but do not give. People just are people.

Except when they aren’t just people. When they are Christian people… well, that’s just a whole new level. In the church, people are expected to have the super human strength to be not-so-human. We are expected to possess a certain infallibility of character. Why? (Because too often we possess a self-righteousness that warrants it- ahem, cough cough.) We also sometimes forget that just because we love Jesus and call ourselves followers of Him doesn’t make us any less human than anyone who doesn’t.

Then there’s the flip side.

How often do we run into people who have given up on the church because they have been (for lack of a better term) screwed over? Often times it’s all because of ONE person. Because of one person, people give up on an entire belief system. How did that one person come to possess such power? Easy. They professed to be a Christian. And with that title,  there is an aura of expected perfection.

But we aren’t. We. Are. Not. Perfect. There is nothing perfect about Christianity except Christ himself. Shoot- if there was, there would be ONE denomination, not 15 million. And you know what? Christians hurt other Christians, which is almost worse than when a non-believer is the injured one. Why? Because we are supposed to be family. We have our Father, and we are brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus. And because we are family, we are bound to injure one another. No family is perfect. No church is perfect. No Christian is perfect. No person is perfect.

As a student in Bible college, I was continually hurt by other believers. Either I was not “Christian enough”, or I did not do enough “Christian things” or spend enough time in “Christian activities”. Finally, after a serious rebuff from a leader in my church, I said, “To hell with this all” and left. I had had enough of these Christians.  They made life way too hard for this college student, and I just wanted to follow Jesus and do as He had commanded. I didn’t need all this undue pressure from others to perform. I just wanted to love Jesus! Was it too much to ask?!?!? Fortunately, after a rebellious streak (which only ended up hurting me and not them), I had an epiphany and was okay. I did learn a few valuable lessons from it…

But you know what? Christians hurt other Christians. Because we ARE family. Despite our troubles and difficulties, we ultimately share a love for the same Father. We may not always agree, and our disagreements cause discord which pains our Father, but we are imperfectly striving for the same goal. When I left that church, I left in bitterness and in pain. They had hurt me. But I had allowed them to. I had allowed their expectations of me cloud God’s expectations of me. He has never asked perfection. He asked me to follow Him and love others. It’s simple really. The more you fall in love with Him, the more you become like Him. And in becoming like Him, your love for others grows.

So while we may fuss and fight, please remember… we are not perfect. None of us are. The high expectations of others only immobilizes our ability to do as Christ commanded us. Love one another… in the good, the bad and the ugly times.